My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
