wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
