He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
i think my tv is drunk
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Randomize
