I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Randomize
