What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
