She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
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