He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
