Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
