meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
