Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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