Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
