made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
