I accidentally had phone sex last night
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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