you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
