Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Ladies don't puke and tell
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
