I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
