I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
