Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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