On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
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