my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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