I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize