I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Randomize
