he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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