Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Randomize
