I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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