we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
