I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
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I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
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as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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