Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
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somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Operation Purity has been aborted
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
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He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her