the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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