Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men