Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
