and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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