I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
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