With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
