shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
