Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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