Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
