you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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