based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
