If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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