tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
