LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Randomize
