all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
