Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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