She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
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