my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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