apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
