we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Randomize
