the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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