Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
