I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
