Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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