I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
We left the knife in your bed.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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