Don't make out with my wife yet
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
