Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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