Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Randomize
