Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
