what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Sober January is a disaster.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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