i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
