im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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